Danny

[just_hex]

Hex was bored and restless, but it seemed any time he went out- to the market to buy food or to a shop for a new book or game- he was increasingly anxious. And it didn't help that on one of his triips to the shops he'd picked up a couple bottles of vodka that he had hidden in his room. He tried to be sensible, drinking when Danny was out only. But some mornings he got up and had a deep swallow before going to brush his teeth.

He'd set out this morning for his therapy appointment but at the corner near the train stop a car backfired and he was instantly awash in cold sweat. His heart hammered in his chest. So he turned round and went home, calling the therapist on the way to cancel. And when he got home he locked up every single lock, armed the alarm system, and then he popped his pain pills. They began to work and he went to the garden, thinking he'd like a cup of coffee. Instead, there were Danny's cigarettes.

Hex had quit in the army when he'd replaced all his vices with physicality and had embraced his sexuality. But sometimes, high stress times, he wanted a fag. And so he pinched one and lit up.

Comments

[london_spy]

Danny very deliberately didn't react to Hex's jump, wanting to keep this all as normal and calm as possible. He didn't think fussing would do the other man much good.

"That's not a bad idea. I'd been thinking the same," he admitted. "I don't think there's any harm in being extra cautious."

[just_hex]

Talking about this was so much better than dwelling on how he felt like shit almost all the time. Danny was a bright spot in his life and he didn't want the darkness that was eating him alive to touch the other man.

And so Hex smiled and moved away from the steeping cups to take Danny in his arms to hold him. Just hold him and feel the solid reality of him.

"Thank you," he said softly. "For everything."

[london_spy]

"Don't feel like I've done anything, but you're welcome," Danny said softly, slipping his arms around Hex in return.

[just_hex]

"You're here. You're helping me with this nonsense," he replied softly, resting his head on Danny's shoulder. "I truly do love you, Danny. You make things...better."

[london_spy]

Danny wasn't sure he made anything better. Bad luck seemed to follow him wherever he went, infecting his life and lives of those around him.

"I love you too," was all he said in return. "But please, Hex. Don't fall apart on me. Please. I can't lose anyone else, I just can't, alright? So promise me you'll let me help you get through this. That you'll go to your appointments, that you'll take care of yourself. ...I need that. I need you."

[just_hex]

"I promise, Danny. I promise. I'll get help. I'll go to my appointment. I'll...I'll find a way," he swore. "I'm not going to fall apart."

He wasn't sure if it was true, but he'd like for it to be. He wanted to do the right thing by Danny.

[london_spy]

"Good," he said softly, touching Hex's cheek. "I'll hold you to that," he added with a faint smile.

[just_hex]

Hex stole a kiss then, a swift one, then smiled at Danny. A subtle nod of his head and then he was pulling the man to the counter.

"Tea's going to get cold if we keep on like that," he said, just a bit embarrassed.

[london_spy]

"Oh, well, I'll not keep you from it," Danny teased, smiling at the kiss, then moving to the counter to get his mug.

[just_hex]

Even making his tea seemed to take too much effort so he managed a spoonful of sugar and gave it a stir.

"What are you going to do now that I can't do the show?" he asked, feeling awful he'd killed Danny's job.

[london_spy]

"Back on the dole," Danny shrugged. "Might manage to land an odd job here and there. I'll get by... I always do, one way or another."

[just_hex]

"I don't want you giving head for rent," he cautioned. "I'll help you find...well, I don't know. Anything else."

[london_spy]

"Right now, Hex, the only person you need to take care of is you, alright? I'm a grown man, I can look after myself," Danny replied, sounding a touch defensive.

[just_hex]

"Danny, please...I can't stand it," he said, then cut himself off. It wasn't his place to say what the man could do. He just knew it would break his heart.

[london_spy]

"I said I'm going back on the dole," Danny snapped, getting defensive and turning away to head off to his bedroom.

[just_hex]

Hex left his cup and followed after, but stopped at Danny's doorway without stepping into the man's space.

"Danny," he said, his voice soft and gentle. "Don't be cross..."

[london_spy]

"No? I shouldn't be upset that the moment I fall on hard times you assume I'll resort to whoring myself out, just because I did it once before? ...Even if I was going to. Sometimes people do what they have to. Who are you to judge?" Danny asked.

[just_hex]

"But Danny, that's not what I meant," Hex replied softly as he stepped into the room. "I mean...I mean to say...oh my god, I just mean I can't stand the thought of anyone else touching you like that. Like you're just a thing. It makes me sick to think of some asshole just using you."

[london_spy]

"It's just money Hex," Danny replied. "You don't get it. I'm not saying I like it, I don't, but- I'll do whatever it takes to keep going. I'm not eager, and I'll try everything I can to avoid it, but if I have to, I will. We're not all lucky like you. We don't all have youtube and a good job to keep us going."

[just_hex]

Hex went silent at that. Just the thought of Danny doing...doing whatever he had to...it made him sick. He didn't want the man to have to. He wanted to take care of him and make sure he never had to do that shite again.

He nodded, though, and closed his eyes.

"I could talk to someone at the hospital. See if there's any openings for housekeepers or the kitchen," he offered.

[london_spy]

"Thanks," Danny said softly, nodding a bit, but still looking a bit tense and uneasy.

[just_hex]

"I've got to go in next Monday to talk about extended leave," he shrugged, sick and sheepish and fighting himself for it to now show. He came closer and reached for Danny's hand. One finger hooked the man's and he held on.

"I love you," he said softly, nearly a whisper.

[london_spy]

It wasn't fair. He was upset still, but Hex had a way of making him feel... Guilty, almost. It made it so he couldn't pull away.

It made him feel trapped.

Danny was still so wounded and messed up inside, and Hex- Hex never seemed to give him space to explore how he felt. It sometimes felt like if he didn't give Hex everything he emotionally needed, the other man would just fall apart- And it would all be his fault. Especially now.

"I love you too," Danny said quietly.

[just_hex]

Hex looked at him for a long moment, then let go his hold and stroked Danny's arm. He smiled softly.

"I'm going to go get me tea," he said. He wet his lips and considered a kiss, then decided he'd really rather let Danny be so he could go into his room and close the door and have a drink.

He didn't want Danny to know he had a secret stash of vodka. He didn't want the man to worry.

[london_spy]

Danny nodded, watching Hex go, then exhaling a soft sigh as he flopped onto his bed, rolling over to click on the small radio on his night stand.