Spencer

[just_hex]

They'd set another date and Hex was excited. Maybe more excited than he had any right to be. Spencer was a puzzle, to be sure, but Hex felt he was worth working out. He'd done a bit of reading up on Autism and he found some things fit and some didn't so he was left unsure. He reasoned that was a good indication he should stay in nursing and to leave the diagnoses to the doctors.

Spencer was due any minute and Hex had sprang for pizza and some Cokes. He'd set out plates and such and then settled on the sofa to catch up on the sports scores while he waited for Spencer to come round. If only he could stop checking his watch.

Comments

[just_hex]

"Not at all," he said, turning a smile on Spencer. "It's not real. Just a game. Now maybe if bombs stared to actually fall or someone really pointed a gun at me I might react, but this is just a computer program, yeah? It can't hurt me."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"Someone pointed a gun at you when you were a medic?" Spencer asked, looking a little shocked by that.

[just_hex]

"...All kinds of things happen, Spencer," he said, forgetting the game for a second as he looked at the other man. "All kinds of things. But you learn from them and grow. Even getting shot, I learned something about myself."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"And what if you don't grow?" Spencer asked quietly. "What if something happens and you can't come back from it?"

[just_hex]

Hx looked at him for a long moment. Then he put the controller down so he could rest his hands on Spencer's legs.

"You always grow...just, sometimes, it's not the way you want to grow, yeah? I really believe you make your choices, Spencer. And when bad things happen, really awful things, you make a choice to live with yourself as you are, make a change to keep going on, or give up." He paused. "And since you came to London and you're still alive, I think you've made a choice. And you can smile, so it can't be a bad choice, yeah?"

[dr_spencer_reid]

"I ran away," Spencer said quietly. "From my friends, from my team. I abandoned them- because I'm too scared to go back. ...I died, Hex. A man took me, drugged me, tortured me- and I died. If he hadn't- If he hadn't resuscitated me, I wouldn't be here."

[just_hex]

"Oh my god, Spencer," Hex said softly, his eyes growing wide. "Oh...god. Are you alright? I mean, alright, no. No, you're not. But you're safe here. You're safe ,i>here

[dr_spencer_reid]

"I don't really feel safe anywhere," Spencer admitted. "It was bad for a while- I was abusing certain drugs- but I stopped when I came to London. That's part of the reason I came here, to get sober."

He shook his head, looking apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I'm ruining our night," he said quietly.

[just_hex]

"You're not. You're really not,' Hex assured him. He reached out and took Spencer's controller from him and sat it aside, too.

"It's hard to be in recovery," he said. "I understand that better than most people. I stopped drinking and it was the best and most difficult thing I've ever done. So...if you want to talk about it, I'll listen. And if you want to go to a sobriety meeting, I'll go with you. You're not alone unless you want to be, Spencer."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"You would go with me? Really?" Spencer asked, taken aback by Hex's kindness. "I'd- I'd really appreciate that. I've always gone alone."

[just_hex]

"And see, that doesn't help. A big part of what makes the program wok is fellowship," he said. Hex shifted, twisting to face Spencer and doing his best to keep meeting Spencer's eyes...as best he could, anyway.

"I'd be happy to go with you. Any time."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"I'd like that. A lot," Spencer said softly, offering a faint smile. "We could go once a week."

[just_hex]

"We could go as often as you like. I go to one that's alcohol only, but there's plenty that are mixed group, or i'd be happy to go to a drugs one with you if you want one for...that." He paused. "What are you addicted to?"

[dr_spencer_reid]

Spencer looked away, swallowing hard and wetting his lips. "Dilaudid," he said quietly. "That's what he- Tobias- That's what Tobias dosed me with when he was holding me captive."

He didn't want to talk about that though, and he swiftly changed the topic. "When did you realize you had a problem with alcohol?" he asked.

[just_hex]

"Not that long ago, actually. I was working at Bart's and..." And the Doctor and Ace blundered into his life, he thought. "...And I was doing alright, I thought, but then I went on, erm, holiday, and when I got back it hadn't been the best trip and I sort of sank. I started drinking a lot. I would have lost me job if I hadn't turned it around."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"You look like you're doing well now though. That's really impressive, Hex," Spencer said, completely sincere, and reaching out to pat Hex's arm.

It was a small gesture, but not something Spencer did often.

[just_hex]

"Thank you," he replied, ducking his chin under the praise. "I just...try to do right. I always try to do right, yeah? Simple as that. It's amazing you quit dilaudid on your own. That's a rough one."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"It was hard. I spent a few days feeling like the world was ending. I was sick and I was in pain- and then it was over," Spencer shrugged. "I still crave it sometimes though, especially when I have nightmares."

[just_hex]

Hex could only imagine what Spencer's nightmares were like. Taken by a madman, forced to take drugs, killed...god only knew what else.

"I have nightmares sometimes, too," he confessed softly. "And...yeah. I think that's one of the times I really wish for a drink. When I wake up..."

[dr_spencer_reid]

Toeing his shoes off, Spencer pulled his feet up onto the couch and settled in closer to Hex. For the first time, he actually looked at ease and completely comfortable in the other man's home.

"When your heart is still beating and it's too dark," he said, nodding his understanding. "I could never sleep in the dark, but it's worse now."

[just_hex]

Hex tried to smile but it was just a faint curve of his lips.

"When I was in the army I could sleep through anything. Since I got shot, though...well, it's different now, yeah? I sleep with a light on, too."

[dr_spencer_reid]

"That must have been awful," Spencer said quietly. "I'm sorry. I can understand why it would haunt you."

[just_hex]

"I think the thing that bothers me most about getting shot was I didn't see it coming," he said quietly. "That's when I get nervous, yeah? When I'm trying to guess if it's going to happen again. But my therapist says that a lot of people who have trauma do that."

[dr_spencer_reid]

Spencer understood that all too well, and he nodded a little in understanding.

"I get that way too. I remember turning around and finding myself face to face with him- and then he struck me... and the world went dark. I don't think I'd ever considered myself fragile until that moment. I'd been beaten up and tormented all my life, but I was always okay. I always got back up. I nearly didn't that time."

He was silent for a long moment, then wet his lips. "If it's any comfort at all, statistically speaking, it's unlikely you'll ever be shot again."

[just_hex]

"I don't know the statistics but I'd guess it's pretty unlikely you'll ever be taken again, either," he said, gently rubbing Spencer's leg. "Funny how knowing that doesn't change how you feel, yeah? I think the only time I'm not thinking about actually getting shot is when I play games like this. It's all escape. Just for fun."