Danny

[just_hex]

Hex was bored and restless, but it seemed any time he went out- to the market to buy food or to a shop for a new book or game- he was increasingly anxious. And it didn't help that on one of his triips to the shops he'd picked up a couple bottles of vodka that he had hidden in his room. He tried to be sensible, drinking when Danny was out only. But some mornings he got up and had a deep swallow before going to brush his teeth.

He'd set out this morning for his therapy appointment but at the corner near the train stop a car backfired and he was instantly awash in cold sweat. His heart hammered in his chest. So he turned round and went home, calling the therapist on the way to cancel. And when he got home he locked up every single lock, armed the alarm system, and then he popped his pain pills. They began to work and he went to the garden, thinking he'd like a cup of coffee. Instead, there were Danny's cigarettes.

Hex had quit in the army when he'd replaced all his vices with physicality and had embraced his sexuality. But sometimes, high stress times, he wanted a fag. And so he pinched one and lit up.

Comments

[london_spy]

"Mind yourself," Danny said softly, watching him from the doorway. "Some of them have more than tobacco in them. Pull from the front, not the back, yeah?"

He wasn't going to scold Hex for lighting up, not when he was constantly puffing away, but he knew Hex couldn't risk getting high.

"Thought you were seeing someone today. ...Or was that tomorrow?"

[just_hex]

Hex lit up and took a shallow drag and got an instant rush off of it. It made him catch his breath and cough softly, then he took a normal breath.

"I was. I should be there. But a car backfired and I panicked and ran home," he admitted quietly. "I'll get rescheduled."

[london_spy]

"Oh, Hex. ...Look, next time I'll go with you, alright?" Danny offered softly.

[just_hex]

"You shouldn't have to, Danny. It's just all...I can feel it spinning out of control and I don't know what to do," he sighed, then took another puff.

[london_spy]

"There's no shame in needing support or help, Hex," Danny said gently, giving Hex's shoulder a squeeze.

[just_hex]

Hex reached up and covered Danny's hand with his own and held it for a long moment in silence.

One more drag.

"I feel so ashamed, Danny. This shouldn't be happening to me. I was in a war. Bombs. Gunfire. Blood. Dying mates. I came back fit for life. I don't understand why now..."

[london_spy]

"Sometimes things happen that change us, that's all. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst," Danny said gently.

[just_hex]

Hex sighed softly. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head to press it against Danny's wrist.

"I can't take living in fear," he said. "I've never been afraid, not me whole life...not like this."

[london_spy]

"All the more reason to let people help you, Hex. ...You'll get better, I know it, but until you do, it's okay to need help," Danny said gently.

[just_hex]

"I just want to go to bed," he said. For a man as bright and effervescent as Hex to sit in sorrow, smoking and staring blankly at the garden, it was painfully clear he was truly not well. He needed help and he knew it, but every day it was getting harder and harder to motivate himself to even get dressed.

[london_spy]

"Bugger that, going to bed mid-day is like giving up on life, Hex. You're alive. You're healing, you're... Healthy," Danny added quietly.

[just_hex]

"I'm tired, Danny," he said softly. "I'm afraid all the time and I'm tired. Maybe it's best I'm on medical leave because I'm in no shape to be at work feeling like this."

[london_spy]

"I get that. Hex... Really, I get it," Danny assured him.

Danny had found his lover's dead body, had been framed for murder, infected, and very nearly killed in his own flat. He understood trauma.

"I'm just telling you that it gets easier. You find ways to cope."

[just_hex]

Hex took another drag and then offered it to Danny. He didn't want to waste a cigarette but about half was all he could stand.

"Smoke that while I get some tea," he said, getting to his feet. He was bundled against the chill in a jumper and a hoodie and sweats, too. It hid the shape of him almost entirely. "...Come in when you're done? I'll make you a cup too..."

[london_spy]

Danny only nodded, finishing the cigarette and frowning to himself, wishing there was some simple cure for Hex's troubles.

Eventually he joined him inside, watching the other man from the doorway.

[just_hex]

Hex went about making tea on autopilot. Kettle on. Mugs out. Teabags. Water boils, pour it. Wait.

He stood over the steaming mugs, unaware he was being watched. THe curve of his back and slump of his shoulders was the very picture of a man defeated.

[london_spy]

It was hard to watch, but Danny had no idea what he could do. He was hardly a pillar of mental stability himself really, and all the advice he had, he'd already given.

So for now he changed the topic, wondering if he could coax the man out of his slump by talking about things he was passionate about.

"They're starting me on a new trial," he said, breaking the silence. "Some new wonder drug. Ought to be interesting."

[just_hex]

When Danny spoke it made him jump. Not big, not pronounced, but enough that he couldn't pretend it hadn't happened.

"Are they? That's great," he said and actually smiled. "I was thinking I should get some meds, too. Just in case. Some PrEP meds. So if something happened on the spur of the moment it would be less risky."

[london_spy]

Danny very deliberately didn't react to Hex's jump, wanting to keep this all as normal and calm as possible. He didn't think fussing would do the other man much good.

"That's not a bad idea. I'd been thinking the same," he admitted. "I don't think there's any harm in being extra cautious."

[just_hex]

Talking about this was so much better than dwelling on how he felt like shit almost all the time. Danny was a bright spot in his life and he didn't want the darkness that was eating him alive to touch the other man.

And so Hex smiled and moved away from the steeping cups to take Danny in his arms to hold him. Just hold him and feel the solid reality of him.

"Thank you," he said softly. "For everything."

[london_spy]

"Don't feel like I've done anything, but you're welcome," Danny said softly, slipping his arms around Hex in return.

[just_hex]

"You're here. You're helping me with this nonsense," he replied softly, resting his head on Danny's shoulder. "I truly do love you, Danny. You make things...better."

[london_spy]

Danny wasn't sure he made anything better. Bad luck seemed to follow him wherever he went, infecting his life and lives of those around him.

"I love you too," was all he said in return. "But please, Hex. Don't fall apart on me. Please. I can't lose anyone else, I just can't, alright? So promise me you'll let me help you get through this. That you'll go to your appointments, that you'll take care of yourself. ...I need that. I need you."

[just_hex]

"I promise, Danny. I promise. I'll get help. I'll go to my appointment. I'll...I'll find a way," he swore. "I'm not going to fall apart."

He wasn't sure if it was true, but he'd like for it to be. He wanted to do the right thing by Danny.

[london_spy]

"Good," he said softly, touching Hex's cheek. "I'll hold you to that," he added with a faint smile.

[just_hex]

Hex stole a kiss then, a swift one, then smiled at Danny. A subtle nod of his head and then he was pulling the man to the counter.

"Tea's going to get cold if we keep on like that," he said, just a bit embarrassed.

[london_spy]

"Oh, well, I'll not keep you from it," Danny teased, smiling at the kiss, then moving to the counter to get his mug.

[just_hex]

Even making his tea seemed to take too much effort so he managed a spoonful of sugar and gave it a stir.

"What are you going to do now that I can't do the show?" he asked, feeling awful he'd killed Danny's job.

[london_spy]

"Back on the dole," Danny shrugged. "Might manage to land an odd job here and there. I'll get by... I always do, one way or another."

[just_hex]

"I don't want you giving head for rent," he cautioned. "I'll help you find...well, I don't know. Anything else."

[london_spy]

"Right now, Hex, the only person you need to take care of is you, alright? I'm a grown man, I can look after myself," Danny replied, sounding a touch defensive.

[just_hex]

"Danny, please...I can't stand it," he said, then cut himself off. It wasn't his place to say what the man could do. He just knew it would break his heart.

[london_spy]

"I said I'm going back on the dole," Danny snapped, getting defensive and turning away to head off to his bedroom.

[just_hex]

Hex left his cup and followed after, but stopped at Danny's doorway without stepping into the man's space.

"Danny," he said, his voice soft and gentle. "Don't be cross..."

[london_spy]

"No? I shouldn't be upset that the moment I fall on hard times you assume I'll resort to whoring myself out, just because I did it once before? ...Even if I was going to. Sometimes people do what they have to. Who are you to judge?" Danny asked.

[just_hex]

"But Danny, that's not what I meant," Hex replied softly as he stepped into the room. "I mean...I mean to say...oh my god, I just mean I can't stand the thought of anyone else touching you like that. Like you're just a thing. It makes me sick to think of some asshole just using you."

[london_spy]

"It's just money Hex," Danny replied. "You don't get it. I'm not saying I like it, I don't, but- I'll do whatever it takes to keep going. I'm not eager, and I'll try everything I can to avoid it, but if I have to, I will. We're not all lucky like you. We don't all have youtube and a good job to keep us going."

[just_hex]

Hex went silent at that. Just the thought of Danny doing...doing whatever he had to...it made him sick. He didn't want the man to have to. He wanted to take care of him and make sure he never had to do that shite again.

He nodded, though, and closed his eyes.

"I could talk to someone at the hospital. See if there's any openings for housekeepers or the kitchen," he offered.

[london_spy]

"Thanks," Danny said softly, nodding a bit, but still looking a bit tense and uneasy.

[just_hex]

"I've got to go in next Monday to talk about extended leave," he shrugged, sick and sheepish and fighting himself for it to now show. He came closer and reached for Danny's hand. One finger hooked the man's and he held on.

"I love you," he said softly, nearly a whisper.

[london_spy]

It wasn't fair. He was upset still, but Hex had a way of making him feel... Guilty, almost. It made it so he couldn't pull away.

It made him feel trapped.

Danny was still so wounded and messed up inside, and Hex- Hex never seemed to give him space to explore how he felt. It sometimes felt like if he didn't give Hex everything he emotionally needed, the other man would just fall apart- And it would all be his fault. Especially now.

"I love you too," Danny said quietly.

[just_hex]

Hex looked at him for a long moment, then let go his hold and stroked Danny's arm. He smiled softly.

"I'm going to go get me tea," he said. He wet his lips and considered a kiss, then decided he'd really rather let Danny be so he could go into his room and close the door and have a drink.

He didn't want Danny to know he had a secret stash of vodka. He didn't want the man to worry.

[london_spy]

Danny nodded, watching Hex go, then exhaling a soft sigh as he flopped onto his bed, rolling over to click on the small radio on his night stand.