just_hex | Danny

After leaving Fin's Hex had taken his time getting to the tube. He'd waited on the train and every moment that passed made him more and more queasy. He knew he needed to come clean with Danny. He knew he needed to accept responsibility for his actions. But he didn't want to. A big part of him wanted to go on without saying anything at all. Maybe Danny wouldn't notice.

He knew that wasn't true, though.

Danny noticed. Danny knew. He just knew things. It was impossible to lie to him, even moreso since Hex was a shit liar.

He finally came into the house well after dark and took off his jacket. He'd hoped Danny was out getting high but the lights were on and he knew the man was home. No avoiding this any longer, then.

"You home?" he called as he shed his jacket.

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From:

london_spy

Danny was in the bedroom, looking a bit worn down as he rested against the headboard with a book in hand.

"I'm in here," he called back. "Could you bring me a cuppa?" he asked, not really feeling up to getting back out of bed now that he was settled.

From:

just_hex

"Yeah, sure," he said. He was a bit relieved to have a few more minutes reprieve. All the way home he'd been playing it over and over in his head how this would go. In his greatest fantasy Danny would understand, would accept it for what it was, would understand Hex couldn't help himself. But he knew that was all nothing more than fantasy. The more realistic thoughts had Danny angry. Hurt. Throwing Hex out. All thoughts that made him sick with anxiety.

The kettle finally bubbled and he made tea for them both. Minutes. More minutes. And he finally couldn't avoid it anymore and came into the bedroom with mugs in hand.

"Here you are," he said, everything about him from his expression to the slope of his shoulders illustrating how uncomfortable he was.

From:

london_spy

"Thanks," Danny said softly, noting the other man's posture as he took the offered mug and patted the bed beside him.

"Bad night?" he asked gently.

From:

just_hex

Hex sank to the bed and nodded as he did.

"Bad all around," he admitted quietly. "Danny...we need to talk, I think. But I don't know where to start."

From:

london_spy

"The beginning is usually as good a place as any," Danny said quietly, watching Hex with those big eyes that seemed to see everything.

From:

just_hex

He reached up to scratch his nose and thought. When was the beginning? When he'd met Fin years ago? When he'd realized he had feelings? When Fin became fae? The wish? It was impossible to narrow it down.

"I've never made it a secret how much Fin means to me," he said. "But...when I'm around him there's a lot going on I can't control. And neither can he. He, erm, something about him takes over me brain. And I...Danny, I don't ever want to hurt you. But I don't want to cut Fin out of me life, either. And I don't know what to do."

From:

london_spy

Danny said nothing at first, looking down at his tea and frowning to himself.

He didn't like Fin, he never had- He couldn't even explain why, if he was honest. It was more than just how close he was with Hex though, surely. At least that's what he always told himself. That it wasn't just jealousy- The man was hiding something. Something huge. So much of what he said felt like lies.

Not so long ago just the mention of the actor would have been enough to set him off, but lately... Lately he found himself thinking about how lost he'd been after losing Alex, and it left him wondering what would happen when the day finally came and his illness took him from Hex. ...Or he took himself away from the illness.The drugs were good, sure, but if HIV didn't take him, there was always the chance that the government could.

The last thing he wanted was for Hex to wind up lost and alone.

"What do you want to do?" Danny asked finally, his words calm and tone soft. "Not think you should do, or whatever, Hex. What do you want?"

From:

just_hex

"I really don't know, Danny. I love you and I want a life with you and I don't ever want to jeopardize that. But, at the same time, I want to be able to touch Fin and try to...to have what we had before all the shit happened to him. And he's so...he and Will have an open relationship, yeah? And I guess it works for them..."

He sighed and started to take a sip, but then put his cup down.

"And, see, now that I'm here and away from him I can think clearly and I really just miss the mates we used to be. We'd mess about and just be close. It's not like that, now. Now, when I'm near him...he brings out the worst in me. And I still want to be with him. God, this is such a mess and it's all jumbled up in me head," he said, unable to look at Danny.

From:

london_spy

"Is that what you want? An open relationship?" Danny asked quietly, glancing at Hex and then looking back down at his tea. "Would it just be him, or... Are there other people you want to have sex with? I mean, I'm not completely against it, not if it'll make you happy, not if it's what you need, but- I'm sick, Hex, I could make you sick. There has to be a certain amount of caution involved. ...And it goes both ways. My immune system is doing alright so far, but getting sick is a concern for me, yeah?"

From:

just_hex

"It's not anyone else," he replied. He'd been expecting anger. He'd been expecting Danny to be so hurt as to lash out. To hear him so kind and understanding gutted Hex. How could he even be suggesting this to someone as perfect as Danny? What sort of monster was he.

Hex finally gave up on his tea and put the mug on the bedside table.

"Just Fin," he continued. "But it's not really sex...not really. I want to hurt him. When I'm around him all I can think of is the most brutal things. And it's like I don't even want them, but he...he does things to me head, Danny. And now that I'm here, with you, away from all that all I can think is that it might be best all around if I'm just never around him again. But that hurts, too, because he's me best mate. The first one I really had since leaving 'Pool."

And when he thought about it, the mates he'd had back home hadn't ever been like Fin was.

From:

london_spy

Danny set his mug aside, chewing his bottom lip, then sighing.

"I worry about what will happen when I'm gone," he confessed. "I wont pretend I like the idea of you and him, but- I never want you to be alone. I want you to have people in your life. People who'll support you, people you love. Your obsession with him, it- It feels a bit unhealthy, if I'm honest, but... I can accept you having something with him, if it means you wont be alone when I'm gone."

From:

just_hex

That was something Hex didn't like to think on and hearing Danny say it so plainly, to speak of what they both knew was inevitable, it made his eyes burn and tear up.

He turned then to face Danny more and wrapped an arm around him, pressing his forehead to Danny's shoulder.

"I love you so much, Danny," he said quietly. "I don't ever want to lose you."

From:

london_spy

"I don't ever want to go," Danny said softly, his voice a bit tight and broken. He was as much a realist as he was a romantic though. At least when it came to matters of the heart anyway.

"I love you, Thomas Hector Schofield," he whispered. "I never want you to hurt like I've hurt."

From:

just_hex

Hex held him tighter. Then tighter still.

"If I could wish this all away, I would. I'd wish you better. I'd wish I was stronger. I'd wish for so many things, Danny," he said. He knew he could likely do it, too. Surely Will would grant a wish to give Danny good health. Hex didn't even care what the cost would be.

But he knew if he made another wish Fin would tear his bloody throat out, so he knew he couldn't. No matter how much he wanted to.

From:

london_spy

"I'm not going to die tomorrow," Danny said softly, trying to be reassuring. "For all we know I'm going to live a long and happy life."

From:

just_hex

"With the new treatments that's entirely likely," he replied. Still, HIV loomed like a shadow, always there. It was nothing he could wish away. Even Willy couldn't have that sort of power.

"I'll be by your side as long as you'll have me, Danny. It's us against the world, right? You and me."

He turned his head so he could kiss Danny's jaw, then seek his lips so he could seal that promise.

From:

london_spy

Danny turned his head slightly to meet him, returning the kiss softly.

He couldn't help but wonder what Scotty would think of all of this, and found himself wishing something he wished often- That the other man was still there to talk to, to guide him. ...To tell him if he was being an idiot.

From:

just_hex

Slowly, softly, Hex took comfort from Danny's kiss. He was such a fool. How could he risk this? What was he thinking? Yes, Fin was his best mate and he loved him, and God knew he couldn't control himself around the man. But Danny was so loving, so giving. More understanding than Hex deserved.

"I love you so much," he whispered. No, Danny wouldn't die tomorrow. Yes, there was every chance that with proper medication he could live a very long life. A tear ran down his cheek and he held Danny, wishing to himself that he could just not have feelings for Fin.

From:

london_spy

"I know. ...I know," Danny promised. "I trust you, Hex. ...I trust you to come home to me, no matter where you wander."

God, he hoped he wasn't being a total fool though. He hoped Hex's heart really was here with him.

From:

just_hex

"You are home," he said softly. "Everything about you is exactly what I've dreamed of all me life. Danny, I love you..."

It wasn't enough. Words weren't enough. He didn't know how to tell Danny he was everything. Everything he'd ever dreamed of, everything he'd ever hoped for. A part of him began to resent Fin a bit, for having such power over him. He knew, without a doubt, the next time they were together Hex would be overcome with the mad desire to fuck Fin senseless. But now, right now, here when he was sane, Hex couldn't dream of anyone more perfect than Danny.

From:

london_spy

Danny slipped his arm around Hex, ducking his head and exhaling softly against the other man's neck. All the while he tried hard not to think about the fact that Hex had likely spoken similar words to Fin.

From:

just_hex

Hex held on for a long moment. His heart thudded in his chest and all the fears and worries he had carried with him on the tube ride home slowly began to fade. He finally moved and cupped Danny's cheek so he could look into his eyes.

"I love you so much," he said. "Meeting you that day you came into the clinic was the luckiest day of me whole life."

From:

london_spy

"Kind of a miserable way to reconnect," Danny pointed out with an uncomfortable and dry sounding laugh.

From:

just_hex

"No. Not at all," he replied with a soft smile. "Not the dream of love at first sight, but..."

Danny had had love at first sight with Alex. He'd had love, passion, devotion. Hex only hoped he felt a fraction of those same feelings for him. Alex's ghost was difficult to compete with.